The death of the amateur ideal, the prevalence of performance-enhancing drugs, the rabid commercialism, and synchronised swimming. The Olympics sure ain’t what they used to be.

It was intended to be a celebration of sporting achievement, a mass of humanity coming together to celebrate great athletes at the pinnacle of their abilities. But these athletes were amateurs, they were like you and me. They were an inspiration not just because of their feats of endurance, speed and distance but because they gave us hope that any one of us could do the same.

No longer. The Olympics have moved away from their audience. These are the days of digital TV, of games consoles, of the internet. We don’t join together as one to celebrate anything now. The Olympics have risked becoming passé.

What the Games needs is to reconnect with its audiences. People need to see athletes standing proudly on the podium and think: “Not only is that guy a hero but I could be just like him. He’s inspired me to get up and do something just like that.”

Now, in the days when Menzies Campbell could combine captaining the British athletic team with careers as a QC and a burgeoning political force, this was a realistic thought. In the days of pumped up, steroid-fed, musclemen it just sounds stupid.

But an injection of new sports, aimed entirely at moving the focus away from the superhuman anabolic athletes, could save the Olympic movement.

Firstly the Olympic football. It’s a pointless exercise that the clubs don’t like and the countries don’t need. Aimed squarely at capturing a little of football’s billions it has never felt right. So why not replace the Under-23 professionals with Over-35 amateurs? Put in a weight minimum of, say, 15 stone and make it a five-a-side tournament. Who couldn’t aspire to play in that?

I would say that any money lost would be replaced by a lucrative sideline in betting: Who’ll keel over first, the hung-over British striker or the chain-smoking German defender?

In this day and age, when proven drug cheats feel they have a legal right to challenge their Olympic bans, we should get any bad habits out in the open. The introduction of darts, snooker and pool would allow the athletes to digest as many legal substances as their body could realistically cope with and they could do it in the arena. No drug tests required: anyone watching could count how many pints were sunk/fags were smoked.

Our older generation live each day with the very real problem of age discrimination. What better platform than the Olympics to send a message that this will not be tolerated? The inclusion of dominoes, cribbage and bingo would strike a blow for age equality and breathe new life into the ailing working men’s club industry.

The Americans enjoy an Olympic sport where they can exercise the hubris that is their birthright. So imagine the latest dream team rolling up at the host city’s finest Megabowl, only to be sent packing by a disparate group of badly-dressed Cuban amateurs.

The bowls preferred by the old Empire has, for many years, proved to be one of the highlights of the thrilling Commonwealth Games (oxymoron intended) so it would easily translate to the Olympic arena.

A full-scale golfing event would be a step too far for the Olympic Games, but a crazy golf tournament would be perfect. Imagine Tiger trying to putt a prehistoric ball through a windmill. Line-dancing would allow the sexes to compete against each other - and a Wii event would appeal to the younger generation.

It’s too late for any of these changes to save the Beijing games, but 2012 in London should be the place to start the revolution. I can see it now - London 2012: We gave sport to the world, now we’re taking it back! I only hope Lord Seb Coe is listening.