I know South Africa set high standards in fielding but have you seen how rubbish Australia are lately?

South Africa must be the best fielding team in cricket. They are without a doubt the best fielding side for the last 20 years and I wonder what Jonty Rhodes has to say about the current Australian team. Did you see how they fielded in India?

It was shocking - and how much do they miss Adam Gilchrist? I'll tell you, they missed him 20 byes much!

Twenty byes... that's bye-bye winning against South Africa should they not get their banana fingers together for this year's showdown between the Proteas and the Saggy Greens.

Can butter-fingers Australia make a fist of it and not waste hard-working South Africans' time and money? You know, we've hauled out good cash to go all the way to the edge of the planet to watch this.

If Ricky Ponting can't get it together I'm going to put my Egyptian curse on him for life... African voodoo, mate. Watch your wickets and don't waste our time and money with more of that schoolboy cricket you're playing.

I don't know. Maybe it's Indian voodoo. Which is stronger - African or Indian curses? Maybe the Indians put a butter-fingers curse on Ricky. Leather was flying all over the show in India and the Aussies looked like a bunch of rednecks trying to catch a greased pig.

Butter-fingers Australia!

If there are any Indian fans out there who know anything about a mysterious Indian butter-finger curse, please contact me (or please remove it from ring-rusty rickety Ricky before Punter becomes the Punted!) I'm not gonna pay good money for this!

Meanwhile, Ponting has a bunch of fledglings under his wing at the minute and we shouldn't laugh at them too much when they test their wings. But ha, ha, ha - these girls are great fun to watch, aren't they?

Did you see the Aussies in India? What a joke!

Australia have been at the very crest of sledging for decades but they've crashed down like a rolling dumper on Bondi Beach.

Ponting was like little five-year-old girl on the beach running to the lifeguards (umpires) every five seconds to complain that someone had kicked sand in his eyes. What has happened? Get a backbone, Ricky!

In a post-match, post-mortem interview Ponting laboured and tried to explain that he is STILL ruthless. Ha, ha!

Firstly, if you have to explain that you're tough, you're probably not. Secondly, don't run to the umpires every 30 seconds crying that the Indians kicked sand in your face... and then tell me you're RUTHLESS. Pathetic!

The Aussies are caught at sixes and sevens at the minute and South Africa have the perfect launch-pad to lay into them thoroughly.