Here it is – the Kiwi katalogue of kricketing shame! In reverse order, of course:

5. v England 1955
Even though the margin of defeat in this Test was comparatively small, no analysis of New Zealand’s biggest humiliations would be complete without reference to being bowled out for 26. Legend has it that at lunch on the third day, a Christchurch businessman, when hearing that England were struggling to a first-innings lead of only 46 sensed an historic first Test win for New Zealand, left work and jumped on the first plane to Auckland to witness it. By the time his plane touched down, the match was all over.

What had occurred still haunts NZ cricket fans. Bert Sutcliffe was the only player to reach double figures, Bob Appleyard took four for seven, there were four ducks, three batsmen made just a single, and the whole innings lasted 27 overs.  Despite the recent premature introduction of Bangladesh to Test cricket, and the complete disintegration of the Zimbabwe team, this is a record that has never really been challenged and remains New Zealand’s biggest statistical embarrassment.

'The bowling figures were really good – Murphy Su’a 0/179, Matthew Hart 0/181'


4. First Test v South Africa 2007
It all started so well, too. South Africa won the toss, and to everyone’s surprise decided to bat in very bowler-friendly conditions. All out for 226, and the woefully under-prepared New Zealand team were well on top – they even got away with three simple dropped catches.

Then things fell apart. Despite the cloud cover lifting, New Zealand could not handle the South African bowling attack, being blown away for 118 and only Stephen Fleming looking remotely comfortable. A couple of early South African second-innings wickets gave some hope, but in between these Brendon McCullum had grassed a regulation caught behind off Hashim Amla, who went on to put on 330 for the third wicket with Jacques Kallis in a partnership that lasted all day.

During this time Shane Bond broke down, and a range of other ailments (what is it about Kiwi sporting teams in Johannesburg?) and injuries meant that the full touring party got to field, meaning that the dropped catches were spread around most of the squad. Only Kallis’s notorious choking when approaching 200 meant that one further breakthrough was made before the declaration. By then, however, the mental demons had truly settled in the heads of the batsmen, and the South African quick bowlers feasted out on a bit of bullying. Every New Zealander looked totally out of their depth, and the team's biggest run defeat  was easily achieved.

3. Firrst Test v Pakistan 2002
Technically, New Zealand's biggest-ever defeat. Another Test that offered brief early promise with Daryl Tuffey snaring Shahid Afridi in the first over. But by stumps on the first day the match was gone after Pakistan cruised to 355 for four. And on the next day, Inzamam-ul-Haq was unstoppable, hitting 38 fours and nine sixes on his way to 329, before holing out to Brooke Walker of all people, who otherwise went at seven an over.

Pakistan scored at well over four an over throughout the innings, the visitors’ best bowler being the unlikely figure of Craig McMillan (three for 48). This meant it was only just after tea on the second day when they were dismissed for just 643. By stumps, New Zealand were 58 for six.

The innings was finished half an hour into the third day for a paltry 73, with Shoaib Akhtar taking six for 11 off eight overs. Fortunately, he injured himself in the process so was unable to bowl in the second innings as New Zealand followed on 570 runs behind. It didn’t really matter. Danish Kaneria picked up five in the second innings, as New Zealand crashed to an innings and 324-run defeat inside three days.

2. Second Test v West Indies 1995
Even worse than the Pakistan result because this one was at home and the Windies only lost five wickets. This, despite much competition, was the low point of the ill-fated Centenary of Cricket, and it came after the home side actually had the better of the first Test. On a Basin Reserve belter, the visitors won the toss and elected to bat. Brian Lara entered the fray just before lunch and proceeded to play one of the greatest innings ever seen in New Zealand. For the rest of the day he smashed the bowlers all over and looked to have his eyes set on a Lara special until he was sawn off lbw to Danny Morrison for 147 just before stumps.

This was a rare highlight for the medium-pacer in this Test, as he was being ostracised by his team-mates following dobbing in [passing information to the authorities] some of them for the dope-smoking-in-South Africa incident. The West Indies eventually decided they’d had enough fun towards the end of the second day by declaring at 660 for five, still the highest score against New Zealand. The humiliation was complete when Junior Murray scored what turned out to be his solitary Test century off 88 balls towards the end of the party. The bowling figures were really good – Murphy Su’a 0/179, Matthew Hart 0/181.

What had previously seemed like a batsman’s paradise proved to be a minefield for Courtney Walsh, with a phenomenal match analysis of 13 for 55. The home side were skittled out for 216 and 122, the match barely making it into the fourth day.  Summing up the New Zealand batting effort was the stat that Darrin Murray top-scored in both innings.

1. Third Test v England 1958
We’ve picked this as themost humiliating NZ Test match of all time, but it really could have gone to any of the five Tests on this tour, even the drawn one. This is the series that is behind New Zealand not getting a lot of five-match series – the ECB must have taken a financial bath on this tour. During the series, New Zealand made 200 once, and were bowled out for fewer than 100 on five separate occasions, including a pretty special display at Lord’s where they made 47 and 74.

But it was the Leeds Test that was the most comprehensive. The first two days were washed out, and when play did start New Zealand won the toss and elected to … bat. The openers put on 37 for the first wicket, a massive total in context, but they proved to be the only batsmen to make double figures. Jim Laker took five for 17, Tony Lock four for 14 and the Kiwis' 67 took a painful 59 overs.  Centuries to Arthur Milton on debut and Peter May meant England had the luxury of declaring in their first innings having lost only two wickets. They turned out to be the only wickets England lost in the match, another world record.

At least New Zealand hung around for longer in the second innings; 101.2 overs long as they made their tortured way to 129 all out, going down by an innings (1.8 innings really) and 71 runs. This time it was Lock doing most of the damage, picking up seven for 51.  If that is not enough pain for you, check out the entire series to remind yourself that things have been worse.

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