The only reason why the England cricket team should not be hung in Trafalgar Square in front of a baying crowd is because the batsmen would undoubtedly miss the noose. What a shambles, 81 all out in Galle against a bowling attack the Aussies had for breakfast and then ceremoniously spat out for lunch.

What is it about our nation's sports teams, that every time they pull on a sweater, shirt or pair of pads they crumble like an English pudding from a swanky eaterie? Do we patriotic sports fans have enough to contend with in our miserable lives - freezing cold mornings, rip-off prices, drunken louts wandering the streets (no I'm not talking about my Sportingo colleagues)?

We pay our taxes (those unlucky enough not be paid in cash, which half the country seems to be these days), we work hard, we put up with the trouble and strife, we accept re-runs of The Great Escape on Christmas Day - need I go on? (No, don't, ed).

'Never mind the Ashes win of 2005, that was a one-off. Since then it has been downhill faster than s**t through a goose'


All we ask for is that our sporting representatives who have the luxury of boiling hot days on the coast, five-star hotels and getting paid well for playing sport, give us something to brighten up the doom and gloom that comes from living in an over-priced, freezing country.

Before the best bowler in the world had even got hold of the ball, more than half the rabbits were back in the hutch and only the good Lord knows what Muttiah Muralitharan will get up to tomorrow.

It's a national disgrace and I'm in a blaming mood. And yes, the blame this time is squarely on the shoulders of a middle order I always said was brittle. Never mind the Ashes win of 2005, that was a one-off. Since then it has been downhill faster than s**t through a goose.

I want a cricket lover to tell me what the big deal is about Kevin Pietersen. You know what, for me the big fella is nothing more than flash trash. Fine, he can hit the ball a long way in a Twenty20 match, and yes, he has one or two big scores to his name, but is anyone trying to tell me he is a Test middle order in the Ken Barrington, Tom Graveney or Allan Lamb mould?

No chance, he's a lad with good hand-eye co-ordination who thinks every knock has to have the scoreboard go round like a catherine wheel. Kevin son, get your bloody head down and grind out a draw, for God's sake.

Yes, our man got a brute of a delivery from Lasith Malinga but how is it that every Aussie batsman who has ever put on a baggy green cap or helmet knows what to do to get out of the bloody way and KP just brushes it through to the keeper.

And before our bowlers think they have got off the hook, they need a some serious soul searching, too. How they let the Lankans reach nearly 500 on a pitch that was doing something is beyond me. This was a Test England HAD to win  to square a series and now they are fighting to save face and go home with 'only' a 1-0 series drubbing.

If this was football, the manager would be hung out to dry on the back pages. and so should Peter Moores for it is he who has presided over this shambolic capitulation. If I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. There are two people who can rescue English cricket from the lethargy we call a Test team, Geoff Boycott and Ian Botham (one is a knight of the realm, the other should be).

Had either been presiding over the joke that was Day Three, you can be sure of one thing, it would never happen  again. Those two giants were too proud of the three lions, the 11 lambs should take note and do something about it.