The International Association of Fence Picket Manufacturers has declared a day of mourning to mark the retirement from international cricket of their most prized profit driver, Stuart MacGill. His ability to help batsmen reduce the world’s boundary fences to matchwood is unparalleled in the modern game.

A spokesman for the Association has thanked MacGill for his tireless efforts and his ability to keep bowling full-tosses and long-hops when other bowlers with an ounce of self-respect would have curled up in the foetal position and wept.

MacGill modestly pointed out that these were also his main wicket-taking deliveries, so he could hardly give them up. If I had a million dollars for every wicket MacGill took with a full toss, I’d be a very rich man.

'I’m sure that the Moscow Circus would love to sign him up as a resident pie thrower – it’s almost an extension of his cricket career'


More seriously, MacGill is one of those enigmatic players who manage to completely polarise fans. Either you think he’s brilliant or, as in my case, you think he’s awful. There is no middle ground.

The major problem with Stuart’s career has nothing to do with the man himself. He had the misfortune to enter international cricket when the expectations of wrist-spin bowlers had been comprehensively rewritten by Shane Warne.

Those who are old enough to remember Australia’s leggies of the '80s will recall the likes of Peter Sleep and Bob “Dutchy” Holland. MacGill makes these blokes look like amateurs in much the same way that Warne has done to him.

But, we are no longer tolerant of even one bad ball per over. It does not matter that MacGill’s good balls are on a par with Warne’s. Nor do we care that he has more variations; he has less control and lets batsmen off the hook and that we can’t countenance.

Statistically, MacGill is the 12th best Australian bowler of all time, but his figures would seem to be a little flattering. In terms of strike rates and wickets per game he does not look out of place in a list that contains the likes of Warne, Richie Benaud, Clarrie Grimmett and Tiger Bill O’Reilly.

But, that’s not where the story ends. MacGills economy rate, the number of runs per over, is where the differences start to appear. MacGill’s economy rate of 3.21 is distinctly higher than those legends of the game, as is his average. Anyone who has watched him bowl would understand why.

MacGill’s lack of control has been the thing that will define him in the history books along with his fierce intensity when he’s playing the game. He spends most of his time looking constipated when he’s bowling and when he manages to take a wicket, he acts like a big eared man about to step into the ring with Mike Tyson.

There is life after the game for MacGill. He has already dabbled in TV shows that revolve around his other passions in life – food and wine. Here he looks more relaxed and at ease with the world. In keeping with the food theme, I’m sure that the Moscow Circus would love to sign him up as a resident pie thrower – it’s almost an extension of his cricket career.

Maybe if he learned to relax, he might have even enjoyed the game a lot more and maybe that would have helped his control – we’ll never know.

He has one enduring legacy, however. He has convinced the Australian selectors that they can field a side without a spin bowler again, like it used to be in the good old days - before Warnie.