Off with the gloves, bend 'em over and ram it home! As predicted, the Old Dart again delivers the most boring cricket on the planet. Who must shoulder the blame? If you're easily taken in by the English, the Proteas have six exciting, highly successful tours under their belts this season and have made records tumble.

OR alternatively, surprise-surprise, England? I think it's obvious. England need to man up and take their punishment. They have their backs to the wall and need to be reminded that they can run but can't hide. The Proteas are clearly superior to these English spineless wonders and if it wasn't for the two Saffers in their squad (Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen) I reckon you'd be better off watching the 2008 Tiddlywinks Championship.

So what is it going to take to show up these 'masters of illusion'? I think Test cricket is about testing the ability to withstand attrition (amongst other things) and South Africa barely needs to help England show how weak they are in 2008. They just have to sit back and watch their players exit one by one as the Kiwis did in South Africa.

Lord's didn't show South Africa's strength, but it did ironically highlight England's weaknesses and Graeme Smith must be beaming at the realisation of his predictions. The next logical step for me (a Proteas fan) would be to take England's cue from their unsporting display in the opening Test and turn the thumbscrews. This involves taking off the gloves, bending 'em over and ramming it home with some rule-bending behaviour.

England have set the tone with some really dodgy play at Lord's and I wouldn't hesitate to say: "OK, let's rough up these lads a wee bit!" South Africa should bully the spineless English, tamper with the ball, overstep by two paces and send down a couple errant beamers.

I'd be moving fielders around behind the batsmen as the bowlers stride in, put in runners to comfort the batsmen and generally take the p**s. As the Proteas physically look like giants to the puny, pale Englishmen, I'd encourage a Jacques Kallis shoulder charge on Michael Vaughan. Stun the lad and leave him on his butt in the middle of the pitch 'accidentally'.

It's huckleberries to persimmons in the Old Dart and South Africa are world famous for asymmetrical warfare. When the English catch their breath, they'll be wondering what hit them and South Africa will have gone 2-0 up. Maybe we'll throw them a bone before leaving for Oz and give them the Oval Test. But for now it's gutter-class cricket at Headingly and Edgbaston, where South Africa rip out the hearts out of an underwhelming squad of pretenders.