Author’s note:

Before reading this article please note the following. The first half of the article is dedicated to making fun of cycling attire. I fully understand the reasons for wearing it, but I just think it looks funny, more so when people wear it in non-cycling environments. If you lack the ability to have a bit of a laugh at yourself then skip this part. The second section is my view on road safety. It is written from the point of view of a motorist, but influenced by my own experiences as a cyclist. I am not seriously advocating banning cyclists from the road, but rather making an argument for things that, in my opinion, would make cycling safer and, if implemented, would give me the confidence to take up cycling again. Many people have commented that my view is uninformed and not helpful. I disagree, but nonetheless welcome and respect these opinions, and people’s right to express them, and ask simply that you respect my right to have, and express, a contrarian view. I would, however, request that rather than just delivering abuse, you take the opportunity to join up and put forward your arguments on what cycling needs. I, for one, would be only too pleased to read it and pass comment. This site provides a unique environment for anyone to express their thoughts and opinions on any sport related topic that takes their fancy. That being said, it is not my intention to offend and I certainly do not, in any way, condone or encourage intolerance towards cyclists, quite the contrary. In the interest of balance, I can strongly recommend the Wheels of Justice website (www.woj.com.au) - as recommended to me by cfsmtb.


Bicycles used to be the domain of children, professional athletes and maybe a handful of eccentric adults who wanted to stand out as being different. Not any more. In Australia they’re everywhere, individually or in swarms, and not just restricted to our roads either. Nowhere is safe from them. Once-peaceful forests and bush trails now reverberate with the screams and yells of ‘extreme’ cyclists, only occasionally interrupted with the dull, wet thud that indicates that a big old redgum has given one back for the good guys. The worst offenders are middle-aged men, trying desperately to hang on to their youth. They ride bikes that cost the equivalent of the annual food bill for an African township and travel to and from their preferred cycling tracks in their leased company cars.

Professional cycling, while somewhat tarnished over the last few years, has all of the elements necessary to make it irresistible viewing. It has the drama, emotion and excitement of any high-level sport, often mixed with magnificent scenery and terrifying roads. Amateur cyclists, however, have none of this appeal and certainly none of the positive attributes. They are, in short, really irritating.

Firstly, they are responsible for some heinous crimes against fashion and human dignity. It is difficult to understand why it is no longer acceptable just to jump on a bike without wearing skin tight, gaily-coloured clothing emblazoned with the names of sponsors who are completely unknown in Australia. This is even more difficult to understand when you take into account the average body shape of the middle-aged man. Whatever happened to chucking on the blue singlet, footy shorts and thongs to go for a ride? You can’t even wear normal shoes to ride your treddly any more, they need some weird connection to allow you to become one with your bike.

Here are some handy hints to help prospective cyclists decide whether their planned attire is appropriate. First, stand naked in front of a mirror in good light – if you don’t like the reflection, then chances are that covering it in a thin layer of lycra is not going to improve the outlook for the rest of us. Second, if you passed stage one and whilst still in front of the mirror, put on the lycra. If there are unsightly bulges, if it is possible to tell your religion, or if there are bits hanging over the top, then you need to cover up. There is no doubt that bike pants afford the best possible protection for the inner thighs and other goodies, but they will still work under a pair of modesty protecting shorts. This is why we wear additional clothes over our undies!

Finally, look at the sponsors' names written all over the clothes – if you don’t know what the companies do, or what they sell, don’t advertise for them. If you want to be visible, then Bond's make very affordable yellow t-shirts that are available just about anywhere. The sponsors probably wouldn’t be too thrilled to have their logo plastered all over people as unattractive and inept as many of these riders appear to be, anyway.

Cyclists are also a bloody menace on the road. Most Aussies, if they need to travel more than 500 metres, will jump in the car to do it. There is, however, something about major cycling events like le Tour de France or the Tour Down Under, that brainwashes even the most unfit and unlikely individuals into thinking that they could be the next Lance Armstrong or Miguel Indurain.

Living in the Adelaide hills becomes a nightmare around these times, with hordes of these try-hards, shoehorned into their lycra and looking like a pack of mutant peanut M&Ms, weaving madly all over the road in the lowest possible gear while going up a two percent incline. In their minds, they are no doubt taking on the fabled L’Alpe d’Huez, or Checker Hill for the TDU enthusiasts, but in reality they are only increasing their chances of a stroke or heart attack. They are ill-equipped to take on this sort of challenge and seriously put their lives, and those of other road users, in danger. There is no more terrifying sight than barrelling around a blind corner at 100km/h and being presented with a mob of grunting, weaving, two-wheeled pests spread across the road travelling at 4km/h.

Not that things are much better in the suburbs. Cyclists regularly flout the road rules, again placing themselves and others in danger. The cyclists out there are probably screaming that so do drivers, in fact motorists are probably much worse. While they are almost certainly correct, in a fight between a car and a cyclist, the car will always win, regardless of who is in the right.

It’s easy to have fun with subjects like this, but as the tragedy surrounding the Aussie women’s cycling team reminds us, there is a deadly serious side to this debate. Maybe it’s time to look at banning cyclists from our main roads at the very least. Roads are designed for cars and trucks. Kerbside parking on our main roads further confuses matters. While exceptions can be made for back streets, it is probably safest if arterial roads are left to the things they were designed for. Cyclists will, quite rightly, claim that it is their right to travel on any roads that they choose. That may be so, but the fact remains that it is inherently unsafe.

Governments and councils need to get serious about bike lanes that offer more protection, for everyone, than can be provided by a painted white line. Either that, or they need to put in dedicated bike paths, well separated from the road system. Surely it can’t be too expensive, or too difficult, to put in some form of physical barrier to keep the two parties separate. It should also be possible to put in place road closures, or some form of traffic control, for cyclists who want to take on country roads. A little bit of planning and advanced notice would resolve most of the issues with local residents. There are a number of very simple steps that can be implemented to solve the problems, but until they do, it’s in everyone’s best interest that we keep out of each other's way.