I wanted Liverpool to beat Manchester United on Saturday – but I didn’t see a single kick. It’s not the easiest of things to watch a clash between two of the world’s top clubs here on the Costa Blanca, particularly when broadcasting the games is illegal and the cowboys who were supplying English programmes to 60,000 of us locally have been stamped on by the authorities.

With no UK television at home for the past month, the only place I could have watched the game in my locality was an Irish pub whose defiance of the authorities has already seen it closed down more than once by the Guardia Civil. Apparently the proprietor has a giant dish somewhere which is beaming a satellite service into the bar (illegally, of course).

And while none of us ex-pats question the legality of it all as long as we can watch the big games, that particular den of iniquity was simply not an option for a middle-aged female ex-smoker.

It’s bad enough that the Spanish authorities are now depriving us of our daily diet of British TV. In some ways, Spain is a third-world country – as demonstrated by their attitude to smoking in public places. For while addicted Brits can no longer spread their weed killer around public venues in the UK, anti-smoking legislation out here is flimsy to say the least – and invariably ignored by the masses.

So while it is perfectly legal to light up a cigarette six inches from the shocked diner on the next table, broadcasting Sky is illegal ANYWHERE outside the UK and Ireland. At least, that’s what Sky told me when I called them after I lost my pirated service a few weeks back.

For all the smoke in the Irish bar, I WOULD have tried to watch at least a little of the Liverpool v Man U action had I been able to manoeuvre my way past the horde of sweaty, beer-bloated males blocking the entrance. How long it would have taken for me to be smoked out of the place I don’t know, but I suspect it would have been seconds rather than minutes.