Call out the Boys' Brigade, the Scouts and the Brownies! Alert the media! Then demand the immediate attention of the police, the army, and the elite of the SAS, for we have a new threat to national security!

So, is it the Yardies or the Triads? Maybe the sinister ''hoodie'' nation has combined to form a new threat to our streets and homes. Or could it be the resurrection of Al Capone, Hitler and The Krays in some form of newborn, underworld collaboration to modern day normality?

No? Who then? Well, apparently some naughty ''children'' have been singing songs about Sol Campbell - a multi-millionaire footballer who chose to turn his back on the club that gave him his chance in the game for their deadly local rivals, thus depriving them of a very handsome eight-figure cheque.

For those who live in the real world, we have grown to accept that the rules within a football ground have remained somewhat different from those outside. That doesn't make it right, it's simply always been that way during our lifetimes and has seemingly been allowed or condoned by our clubs.

May I explain that the personal and extreme singing against certain individuals has never been my thing. I mainly ignore it and, as a father, am secretly critical of its content. That's not to say I'm unaware or live my life as a prude, but really! What else is going to be banned from football? How much more life and atmosphere are the authorities going to extract from what used to be the working man's sport? Or is this yet another component in pandering to the money and whims of the growing army of corporate Tristrams and Tarquins that proliferate modern-day football?

For those who dismiss the presence of tribalism in football, get a life! It's been that way since the year dot. It's not rugby and it's not the theatre - and if you know yer 'istory, as the old song goes, you'll recall that certain grounds have a litany of closures, a rap sheet as long as an orangutan's arm, and a history of ''wars'' with rival clubs and their players going back to the very beginning.

To quote Tottenham Hotspur's official website from October 11, they claim that: ''We were alerted to the [Campbell] issue after the Premier League game at Fratton Park last season''. For a start, they've obviously ignored the offending song against their ex-skipper for the previous three years, when it was sung at home and away games, and where, so the official website instructs, ''our fans are normally well-behaved''.

I find these quotes amazing, especially when a conversation with any clued-up supporter in any of your local pubs that haven't been closed down will tell you that Spurs have one of the worst reputations for hooliganism - if not the worst!

''Of course, we will not tolerate abusive, unacceptable behaviour, or that of a racist, homophobic or obscene nature in general,'' Spurs proudly and quite predictably state - and yet they have let it go for the best part of 45 years relatively unchecked!

Remember, these are the self-same Spurs fans who have parodied four, maybe five decades of anti-semitic abuse, who have seen PLO flags unfurled at the Lane with accompanying ditties regarding gas and death by asphyxiation. These are the self-same Spurs fans who cheered Jermain Defoe from the pitch, and sang: ''You're Spurs, and you know you are,'' when the man was taking a penalty AGAINST them!

And to the divisive list of stirrers who have intentionally turned this into a racist issue, you have purposefully misinterpreted Campbell's own public reference to ''wanting to swing from a tree'', in a sad, yet telling indictment of the man's own mental state at that time. Your part in this issue is as heinous as the songs themselves, while the checklist of black former players that return to a decent White Hart Lane welcome is long and less documented!

As for Portsmouth's ''enquiry into the situation'', what will they find? A fanbase rightly aggrieved at a man who turned his back on their club after varying public statements of loyalty. A man who casually appeared at a press conference of the clubs' bitter rivals, naively believing that his two-fingered salute to his ex-club and fans was a parting, final shot.

Why now, after all this time, has Campbell chosen to object? Why is his perceived ''hurt'' more intense now having played against his old employers a number of times, including for Arsenal? Should his former club's ''hurt'' be any less intense?

With this in mind, how many of the perpetrators can the club rightfully be allowed to arrest? One thousand? Five thousand? Twenty thousand? The entire ground? Or will the clubs use this golden opportunity to arrest and ban the irritating list of characters that they've failed to bring to justice over all these years? After all, a couple of hundred arrests will free up seats for yet more corporate customers and hangers-on!

As dull and stale as this story has become, this, in the words of Monty Python, is a dead parrot, an ex-parrot. In fact, this parrot should have no further reason to repeat itself, were it not for the plethora of interfering politically correct, the do-gooder health and safety ''experts'' who seem determined to sterilise our game, and the army of 'nannies' hell bent on telling us how to enjoy ourselves, despite the list of in-ground rules that have been condoned by clubs, administration and the law since time immemorial!