'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what do we have ‘ere then? Bit late for you to still be hanging around outside Fratton Park, isn’t it sir? It is Mr Van Der Sar, isn’t it, sir?

You tellin’ me they’ve driven off back to Manchester and left you behind? Well, that’s not very sporting of 'em, is it?

Still, I wonder if you’d care to come down to the station with me, sir, to help clear up a few complaints we’ve been havin’ regarding some Manchester United defensive irregularities. It shouldn’t take a moment and then we’ll see if we can arrange to get you home. Thank you, sir.

Now there are just a few formalities to go through. The name is Van Der Sar, right sir? It’s on the back of you shirt, as you so rightly point out. Thank you, sir.

I wonder if you can clear up a couple of things about the performance in Rome on Wednesday night, the one United lost 2-1. That’s the one, yes sir.

Several witnesses have come forward suggesting that you weren’t fully – how can I put it? – awake, when Roma scored their second goal. Ah, so it was that swerving shot by Mancini – wonder if he’s any relation to Henry? – that you couldn’t handle properly. Happens a lot these days, doesn’t it, sir?

And of course you’d no chance when you knocked it straight to the feet of that Da Vucinici fella and he hammered it past you. Is that what your saying?

Right, Mr Pan Der Car. And I suppose you took a bit of stick from Sir Alex and the lads, 'specially as it came so soon after Wayne Rooney had scored that smashin' equaliser. It’s always the case.

No sir, you don’t need to worry about callin' your solicitor right now. This is only routine, we do it all the time under the new regulations. Talk about paper work, there’s mountains of it. You’re lucky I was out on the beat when I spotted you tonight.

Anyway, what about these two goals that Portsmouth put past you? Reckon they’ll take a bit of explaining away, eh? Now I’m no expert, but I reckon you might have been caught out by that swerving ball again for that first goal. Am I right? Thought so!

You won’t be angry, Mr Can Der Mar, if I offer a bit of advice, will you, sir, but have you ever thought about trying to push these swerving balls to one side or even over the crossbar instead straight down in front of you to an opposition striker? Don’t they teach you things like that in training? They do? Oh!

And that second goal really put the cat among the pigeons, didn’t it? We’ve had a few people in the station tonight telling us they thought you were a bit too quick in coming out of your goal when that Mr Ferdinand seemed to have things under control and was about to give you a simple backpass. Ah, you didn’t see it like that? You thought it was your ball. Well, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m a bit of an Arsenal fan and I know exactly how you’re feeling right now.

So I don’t suppose you and Mr Ferdinand have much to say to each other right now?

Oh, you think he might be behind the little joke to leave you to find your own way home? Seems a bit harsh to me, seein’ as how you are regarded in many quarters as the best goalkeeper in the Premiership.

Anyway, the point is, can you patch things up before Tuesday night’s return game against Roma, because you do realise that if we have any more complaints about bad workmanship and sloppy misunderstandings, we might have to take this matter further? And that would be a real pain, what with all that paperwork!

Has Edwin Van Der Sar suddenly lost the plot? Send your view to Sportingo.