The Scuba Awards – The Masters of the Dive

10) Didier Zokora – The Ivorian midfielder's sharp rise to stardom after a memorable World Cup is directly proportionate to the time he takes to hit the deck. Zokora seems to have mastered the art of being a little puppy disguised as a vicious terrier. I think he misunderstood when Martin Jol told his team “to get stuck in” but not in the mud, Zokora!

9) Nemanja Vidic – Full-back and tough are terms that usually go hand in hand. Vidic is a new breed of defence. Instead of leading from the back, this new species leads from the floor. He has an all-round array of skills; good in the air but excellent on the ground.

8) Andy Johnson – A lot of newspaper time has been spent on the Johnson diving saga, and rightly so. He would dive at the drop of coin, or wind from a defender 15 metres away. The worst part is he denies it all, but the camera doesn’t lie. Johnson must spend a lot of leisure time with an oxygen tank attached to his back, together with a pair of goggles. Maybe next to Everton's training facility is a diving pool especially designed for Johnson to nurture his natural talent.

7) Jermaine Pennant – The talented Liverpool winger gets into good positions and gets crosses in, but he seems to enjoy mat exercise and yoga a bit too much, and also seems to love the grass between his hair. Rafa’s team don’t play for free-kicks as a unit, but Pennant is on a mission of his own. Judging by  league standings, it does now seem compulsory to have at least one good diver to get ahead. Thanks Jermaine, but no thanks, the Reds don’t need to dive.

6) Wayne Rooney – You would think a player with his skill and determination doesn’t need weak antics to propel his team forward. You would be wrong. Rooney is just as guilty as Cristiano Ronaldo of going to ground far too easily. One gets the impression that it's something United practise on the training field. It surely doesn’t suit his robust approach, nor does it endear him to the neutrals. C’mon Rooney, take it like a man, and play like one.

5) El Hadji Diouf – The infamous spit king seems to slip a lot on his own saliva, and while his butch antics and raw style of play may endear Bolton fans, it's his groundwork that he is most noted for. He spends so much time on the muddy turf, it's no wonder he is such a dirty player.

4) Frank Lampard – Good ol’ Frank never passes an opportunity to fall on his behind. But it's purely down to his lack of pace and vision that leads him to creep so low, well, to the ground. The strange thing is, he never goes to ground in his own half or when there isn’t a realistic chance to score from a set-play. Frankly, Frank, it just ain’t right. Stop hanging around with Didier Drogba and Arjen Robben' diving is contagious.

3) Arjen Robben – Can change the outcome of a game with one untouched grimace of that hittable face. He has a tendency to go to ground quickly. Rafa Benitez epitomised the feelings of most football lovers after Robben pulled off an Oscar-winning performance that saw Pepe Reina get sent off. You would have sworn he was paralysed looking at his painful expression. He miraculously got up from the throes of death and continued play as normal. We’re on to you, Arjen, and in future defenders will be looking forward to turning you into the boy who cried wolf.

2) Didier Drogba – The Chelsea striker would dive if a defender fa*ted close to him, surely claiming the velocity brought him down, such is his ambition for winning free kicks or penalties illegally. For such a deadly player, he surely falls like he is deceased.

1) Cristiano Ronaldo – Ah, the winker-dribbler-diver-player of the year. Seriously though, he deserves the award for Player of the Year. He broke the myth that one man doesn’t make a team by single-handedly, taking United to the top spot, using a wonderful assortment of brilliant ball skills, unbridled pace and diving ability that would make Olympic participants proud. He scores a perfect '10'. He's professional, says Sir Alex. Yes, a professional diver. Like his other two awards, he thouroughly deserves this one as well. Well done, Cristiano, you are the undisputed scuba king. There is no other diver like you in the Premiership.

Anyone else you would include on the list? Post a comment below or let Sportingo have your views.