I’m staking a claim for a new academic post; Professor of Football Nonsense at the University of Skegness (one of the old Polys or Techs which have become a new university under New Labour).

If you can have university departments looking at the influence of David Beckham on society, then it’s about time my pet subject was given the academic recognition it deserves. I’m talking, of course, about the mind-numbing ineptitude of fans’ songs.

Go to any ground in England and you will hear the following:

“And it’s (insert team X even if it does not fit the space, i.e Brighton and Hove Albion), X FC, we’re by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.” Oh really? So Wycombe Wanderers are by far the greatest ever; I think Milan in the '80s, Santos in the '60s and Liverpool of the '70s may disagree on that one.

“Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we’re going to Wem-ber-lee, que sera sera.” OK to sing this in the last minute of a semi-final when your team is 3-0 up, but League Two fans chanting this in round one in November is a tad optimistic.

“The referee’s a wa*ker.” How do you know? You’ve been hanging round Clapham Common too much if you sing this. Far more accurate would be: “My MP’s a wa*ker.” And mine certainly is (Hackney North and Stoke Newington).

“You’re not singing any more.” I didn’t know there was a song called "Any more" - or am I missing something here?

“Does your boyfriend know you’re here?” This one is sung to travelling Brighton fans. It is commendable that football fans understand the significance that the coastal town has a strong and growing gay and lesbian community. And there I was thinking that fans were not conversant with the minutiae of English socio-political trends.

“One-nil to the (Ar-sen-al, Tractor Boys etc etc)"; significant, poignant, meaningful. You can be sure that some intellectual member of the chattering classes is dissecting this contribution to modern prose at an Islington dinner party every Saturday night.

“Vieira, whoa whoa whoa whoa, (repeat twice), he comes from Sen-er-gal, he plays for Ars-en-al.” This one was popular at Highbury when the Gunners were winning everything. I don’t think the person who penned these lyrics is in any danger of his intellectual copyright being compromised.

“Score in a brothel, you couldn’t score in a brothel.” If I were Wayne Rooney, I’d sue!

“Are you (insert player’s name) in disguise?” This is the art-house cinema version of terrace chants. What does it mean? What’s it all about, what are we here for? Expect to see the fans who chant it in an indie cinema watching a film about Guatemalan copper miners with eight rows of sub-titles.

“Same old (insert team name), always cheating.” And of course, the chanting fans’ team never indulges in such tactics.

“You dirty northern bas**rds.” Four words, three adjectives, one insult ("northern").

“Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus looked up and he said, ‘We hate (insert team), and we hate (insert same team)’.” This seasonal offering is clearly sponsored by the Secular Society. If the little Lord Jesus did indeed sing this chant, it is doubtful he would have chosen an English club, so insert ‘Maccabi Haifa’ for more realism.

For national team chants, the following is part of the national psyche: “Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land.” And “Vindaloo, vindaloo.”

I rest my case.

But there is hope and it comes from the moving rendition of the old Gerry and the Pacemakers' hit 'You'll Never Walk Alone' as sung by Liverpool fans - a song that captures the joy and despair of the great game. One cannot fail to be moved  when it is sung by the fans of Liverpool. Even as an opposing fan at the other end at Anfield, this song sent shivers down my spine.

If you can think of any more contenders, we'd like to hear them. Add a comment below or write an article on chants and send it to Sportingo.