It was in many ways like a remake of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The Good - that’s got to be Wigan’s Great Escape team and their Houdini boss, Paul Jewell. I think the vast majority of us already had them relegated, even before they stepped onto the pitch at Bramall Lane. And who could deny them another season in the Premiership after the way they battled to keep the Blades from knifing them for fully 96 minutes?

The Bad - that has to be Sheffield United. Not because there’s anything evil about them, but because they can’t be classed as anything else after failing to get the home draw they needed to be sure of staying up. I can’t imagine Neil Warnock didn’t have them psyched up for the kill, but ultimately they were found wanting. Their recent form suggested that taking a point from Wigan would be little more than a formality - but as we all know, the reality was very different.

The Ugly? Well, we all know who they are. It seems that just about the entire Premiership wanted West Ham to go down, what with all the unsavoury Argy-bargy we’ve been hearing about. Wigan chairman Dave Whelan quite openly admitted that he was disappointed that Sheffield United had been relegated rather than the despised East Enders.

And if that’s not ugly enough, well, let’s look at it through a woman’s eyes. West Ham must come pretty close to having the ugliest bunch of players in football - don’t you agree, girls?

Carlos Tevez might not be quite in Peter Beardsley territory in the Quasimodo stakes, but why on earth doesn’t he invest a couple of hours’ wages on a full set of dental implants before he starts dribbling from his mouth rather than with his feet? If we’re honest, even the Extreme Makeover experts couldn’t make the brilliant Argie handsome - but at least it wouldn’t be as painful to set eyes on him as it is now. Still, El Maestro makes up for it with his genius on the field and if it’s a choice between good looks and playing ability, then just keep scoring, senor!

As for the rest of the Hammer house of horrors, Yossi Benayoun isn’t far behind Tevez in the gurning league, though the Israeli playmaker can look quite handsome from a distance (when you can’t see his face, that is). As for Anton Ferdinand, gosh, he’s almost as ugly as his brother - if that's possible. And then, of course, there’s the lipless Robert Green in goal. Now he’ll never be in the Fabien Barthez league of all-time ugly goalkeepers, but if you add him to the aforementioned West Ham trio, you get the ultimate ming quartet. And talking of mings that frighten you, what about the Hammers' extra-terrestrial leader Eggert Magnusson and his Vulkan ears?

Which brings me to something I’ve had on my mind for quite some time - a Premiership Uglies XI. I’ve already got the likes of Ian Rush, Gary Neville, Jason Koumas and of course Beardsley and Barthez pencilled into my squad - with Magnusson as chairman and Iain Dowie as manager (come to think of it, why isn’t Dowie bossing his old club West Ham?) And girls, how about a Best Looking XI to play them? Which other ten players would you pick to line up alongside David Ginola?

If any male readers have got this far, this article is meant to be a bit of fun so no need to remind me that I’m no oil painting myself. Let’s face it, we can’t all be or Mona Lisas or Venus de Milos (sorry, she was a statue). But when you earn the sort of money that top footballers do, you’d think the ones that God forgot when he handed out faces would invest a bit in improving their appearance.

Having said that, there are any number of women out there who’d jump into bed with ANY Premiership footballer. So on second thoughts, guys, perhaps it’s just not worth the bother. Better to be rich and ugly than poor and gorgeous . . . or is it?

Who would be in your Premiership Uglies and Good-Looking teams? Leave a comment or, better still, write an article for Sportingo.