England manager jets halfway across the world to see washed-up superstar play a charity match against Vinnie Jones’s Hollywood Sunday league team. And the buffoon McClaren was hoping to keep his latest David Beckham mission to LA a secret from the FA suits (The Independent).

It just beggars belief. Even the vision of a panting Sven parking his Cuban heels outside the bedroom door before leaping on top of Ulrika pales by comparison. What possible benefit to England’s Euro 2008 prospects can be gained from a game that would shame Hackney Marshes? I can understand Steve McClaren wanting to slip out of the country unnoticed – as long as he was never coming back.

The official line is that he wanted to talk to Becks about his fitness – there’s always the bloody telephone, Steve. If Beckham – playing against Richard Gough and Frank Leboeuf, a Def Leppard axeman and Sex Pistol Paul Cook – is our only hope then God help us.

'I can understand Steve McClaren wanting to slip out of the country unnoticed – as long as he was never coming back'


If McClaren is in pursuit of the American dream team he could have just popped along to Fulham where Lawrie Sanchez wants to add to his Yankee contingent of Clint Dempsey, Brian McBride, Carlos Bocanegra and Kasey Keller. New England Revolution centre-half Mike Parkhurst, 23, is the latest Sanchez target from across the Atlantic (tribalfootball.com). Warning to Mike before he puts pen to paper – it’ll cost you more than EIGHT dollars to go one tube stop in central London, that’s four times more than you’d pay back home in Boston.

Football’s a man’s game, of course, but the big clubs don’t mind a spot of cradle snatching – Arsenal, ticked off recently for plundering the world for kids of the future, are after 15-year-old AEK Athens youngster Sokratis Papa. Crystal Palace’s John Bostock, also 15, had hardly wiped the mud off his boots after coming on for the Eagles as a sub than Chelsea were in there with a £1million bid (various). Portsmouth upped the ante with a £2million offer, but Palace want £5million for a lad who hasn’t even started shaving yet. Burnley have their own boy wonder in 15-year-old John Cofie who has been courted by Manchester United but would prefer Liverpool (The Times).

Make note of the names because it’s guaranteed that once they take the money and go off to Stamford Bridge or Old Trafford of Anfield, they’ll never be heard of again.

Follow up to yesterday’s headlines that Darren Bent is unhappy at Tottenham and wants away. Bent insists he's happy at White Hart Lane and would love to stay (various). "I am settled at Spurs and stories that are saying otherwise could not be further from the truth,” says the £16.5million striker. "I am determined to establish myself in this team, that is the only thing I am focused on. I want to make an impact and do what I was brought here to do, which is score goals."

That might all change when Juande Ramos nicks Russian striker Alexander Kerzhakov from Sevilla (The Sun) and Bent finds he’s relegated to fifth-choice at White Hart Lane. Kerzhakov, 24, featured in both Euro 2008 qualifiers against England recently and is desperate to quit Spain. "He'd love to play in England – I am sure that everything will be sorted out very soon,” said his agent.

Ramos could be beaten by Sven Goran Eriksson in the chase for Sevilla midfielder Christian Poulsen. The Danish midfielder, who has a get-out clause in his contract, can decide to force a move to the Premier League if the Spanish club reject Man City's £7million offer.

Meanwhile, Sven’s been trying to soften up Roy Keane up before tonight’s Man City-Sunderland clash. The former England boss admits he tried to sign Roy Keane when he was in charge of Lazio (Irish Independent). "There was a rumour that he was available and I got on the phone to his agent. Then he signed a new contract with Manchester United  – I think he would have settled in Italy. He could have played anywhere with his attributes … a good football brain and a physical presence."

England goalkeeper-in-waiting Scott Carson is fed up being pimped around to all and sundry while still the property of Liverpool (Daily Mail) and is begging Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill to turn his current loan deal into a permanent one. "I've been out on loan a lot over the past couple of seasons and it's not easy when you keep moving up and down the country,” he says. “It would be nice to settle at a club that I like and where the fans like me.”

And the award for getting ideas way above your station goes to new Derby County chairman Adam Pearson, who declares, “This club can sustain a top-10 place in the Premier League.” (The Times) “It has the fan-base, the traditions, the facilities, the stadium, the training ground.” It’s also currently bottom of the Premier League.