DON'T CRY FOR LEE: Manager Gordon Lee wanted a word with his Newcastle chairman Stan Seymour. He marched into the club chief’s office, only to be told by a secretary: ‘’Mr Seymour is not available. He’s gone to see Evita.’’ Lee retorted: ‘’I don’t think so. He wouldn’t go and watch a foreign player without telling me first.’’
When Lee moved on to manage Everton, the Merseyside media soon discovered his geographical knowledge matched his familiarity with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. After a dismal showing in a home Cup Winners’ Cup leg against Standard Liege, defiant Gordon looked ahead to the return in Belgium and rapped: ‘’Just wait until we get them in Standard!’’

SWING, LOFTY: Big Willie Woodburn was such a fearsome figure that Nat Lofthouse was convinced the Scotland centre-half could not possibly be as tough as he looked. So the first time the ball skidded across the Scots' penalty area, the England hit-man decided to put the tartan ogre to the test. Bolton bruiser Lofthouse smashed into his 6ft 3in, 14-and-a-half stone marker from behind and Woodburn crashed to the ground. Lofthouse turned casually away, grinning to himself. Suddenly he found himself two feet in the air, his shirt collar trapped in a vice-like grip. ‘’Do that again and I’ll KILL you,’’ growled big Willie as Lofty dangled helplessly at the end of his arm. As his jersey tightened agonisingly round his neck, Nat decided that discretion was the better part of valour. "Of course, Mr Woodburn,’’ he yelped. ’’But please let me go….sir.’’

THE BALD TRUTH: Rival Midlands bosses Ron Atkinson and Jim Smith decided to travel together to a dinner they were both attending. Their teams had been having mixed fortunes, with Atkinson’s West Brom near the top of the old First Division (the Premier League’s predecessor) and Smith’s Birmingham seemingly heading for relegation. They pulled their vehicle into a multi-storey car park near the function venue, left it on the top deck, and got into the lift. Big Ron turned to the Bald Eagle and quipped: ‘’You’d better press the button because it's you who’s going down.’’

'The inflatable rubber sex doll was duly named Doris and went on to become part of Aston Villa folklore'

NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY: Peter Withe’s whip-round was apparently for the driver taking the Aston Villa players to their pre-season friendly in Dusseldorf. But the man behind the steering wheel didn’t get a pfennig. Withe invested the money in an inflatable rubber sex doll, which was duly named Doris and went on to become part of Villa folklore. The obliging lady was adorned with the number 12 on her back - and the name of newlywed Colin Gibson’s wife across her torso. She was then left in a suitably compromising position in Gibson’s room at the team hotel. Gibbo was not amused - and poor Doris proved no match for him or the pair of scissors with which he cut her to shreds.

ALL SYSTEMS TOE: Bill Shankly got the message from his Liverpool No.2. ‘’Adidas are on the phone,’’ Bob Paisley informed the great man. ‘’They want to know if you’ll accept one of their Golden Boots for services to football.’’ ‘’Aye’’ replied Shanks. ‘'Tell them I take a size 15.’’

HEADS YOU GRIN: The legendary Stanley Matthews was a unique footballer. He didn’t smoke, drank only carrot juice and never swore. As for the wing wizard’s talents on a football field, former England centre-forward Nat Lofthouse reckons Matthews assured him before their first international together: ‘’Don’t worry about heading the ball. I’ll make sure I always cross it lace away so it doesn’t hurt.’’

RED-HIT CARD: Graeme Souness’s jet-setting lifestyle during his time as Liverpool captain did not impress Bob Paisley. ‘’Our skipper is so flash,’’ said cardigan-and-slippers Bob after a rare defeat at Aston Villa, ‘’that I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he tosses up with an American Express card.’’