RIPPING YARN: England full-back Kevin Beattie was so accident-prone that Ipswich manager Bobby Robson actually delegated a team-mate as his ‘minder’ when the Tractor Boys played overseas. Poor Beattie even managed to set fire to himself on one occasion, but as far as football was concerned, one of his greatest assets was his incredible speed off the mark. So much so that one year Robson had him entered in the world-famous Powderhall professional sprints in Edinburgh.

Beattie duly arrived at Meadowbank Stadium with Ipswich coach Cyril Lea and, as an unknown quantity in Scotland, was made a rank outsider by the local bookies. Impressed by the odds, Robson asked Lea to lay a sizeable bet on his behalf - and Beattie repaid his boss by tearing home first in his heat. As the finalists prepared for the big showdown, Lea discovered that Beattie’s best time was every bit as good as any of his rivals. So on went a succession of new bets on behalf of Robson and the Ipswich staff. When the starting pistol rang out in the final, Beattie hared off into the lead and was steaming towards victory when suddenly he slowed down and grabbed his goolies before struggling home in fourth place.

‘’What happened?’’ demanded Lea after running over to investigate his racing cert’s private grief. ‘’Just my luck,’’ moaned Beattie, still clutching his most prized possessions. ‘’My f***ing shorts split - and I’ve got nothing underneath.’’

'Beattie hared off into the lead and was steaming towards victory when suddenly he slowed down and grabbed his goolies before struggling home in fourth place'

WING AND A STING: The reputation of Bolton hard man Tommy Banks preceded him when he finally made the England team - and manager Walter Winterbottom knew exactly where the daunting defender’s biggest strength lay. ‘’This outside right of there is very good, Tom’’ warned posh-speaking Winterbottom. ‘’He’s good on the outside, great on the inside and he’s excellent in the air. What I would like, Tom…is for you to make contact as early as possible.’’

IT’S A FINNEY OLD GAME: Tommy Docherty’s pay packet of £8 a week when he joined Preston North End was £6 less than that of his illustrious teammate Tom Finney - and he wanted to know why. ‘’It’s because Finney is a better player than you,’’said manager Will Scott, pointing to the England winger’s status as one of the world’s top wide men. ‘’Not in the summer he isn’t,’’ retorted the cheeky Scot.

EXIT THE DRAGON: Fiery Welsh paceman Greg Thomas was determined to make an impression on the watching England cricket selectors when Viv Richards came out to bat for Somerset against Glamorgan at Taunton. The red-hot dragon pitched his first delivery yards short - and saw it rear up viciously and whistle past King Viv’s nose. Thomas glared down the wicket, turned away and fired himself up for his second tilt at the West Indian maestro. In he stormed past umpire David Lloyd - and down crashed an equally unplayable ball. Again Richards could do nothing but take evasive action as it flew through to the wicketkeeper at head height.
As he stood menacingly half-way down the wicket, Thomas eyeballed the world’s No.1 batsman and snarled: ‘’it’s round….and it’s red.’’ With that, he stalked back to his mark before zooming in even more venomously and thumping his next delivery in short yet again. Calmly, Richards swung his bat…and off flew the ball, high over long-on and clean out of the ground. Richards swaggered slowly down the wicket, looked Thomas straight in the eye and sneered: ‘’You know what it looks like…you get it.’’