I appreciate the Boxing Day football programme. The week between Christmas and New Year is traditionally the slowest of the year (not only in sport) and the games bring a welcome distraction.

In fact, the concept is a brilliant marketing scheme. English football has the sporting calendar all to itself and the default attention of fans not only in Britain but worldwide (OK, maybe not here in the US yet, where most people cannot yet spell 'Premier League', but what better way to get Yanks involved than by taking advantage of the one time they are both idle and have no sport to watch on TV?)

Generations from now, when soccer...er, football (not to be confused with American Football) is finally a mainstream sport in this country, we'll fondly look back at December 26 as the time many saw their first games.

'Derby are so bad they might actually face a bit of a challenge winning the MLS Cup'


Anyway, I'm going to keep with this whole Yank thing and divide the the Boxing Day Premier League games into three sections. On our side of the pond the best match-ups are called 'BCS' (it stands for Bowl Championship Series) games, with everything else a Minor Bowl. I'm going to add a third section: Toilet Bowl, for games that suck so bad they belong in the toilet.

BCS games
1. Chelsea v. Aston Villa: The Blues are not only without Didier Drogba, John Terry and Michael Essien but are forced to start third-string goalkeeper Henrique Hilario, according to Reuters. Chelsea are unbeaten at Stamford Bridge this season, but are effectively missing the spine of their team. Villa, on the other hand, are at full strength and Martin O'Neill's team have only lost away from home once this season. Should be a good one.

2. Portsmouth v. Arsenal: Pompey had a solid first half to the season, but have lost their last two games. Things don't come more difficult for Harry Redknapp's men with table-topping Arsenal paying a visit tomorrow. Arsene Wenger is expected to be without Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie and possibly Emmanuel Eboue. Will it make a difference? Probably not. Look for Pompey to go down for the third time in as many games.

Minor Bowl games
3. Tottenham v. Fulham: A London derby featuring two teams that are looking at brighter days ahead after tough starts to the season. Fulham are without a manager after Lawrie Sanchez's sacking. I call this team the Fulham Americans as a joke (and because they have like every Yank in the world in their squad) but the truth is they play a lot like an MLS side, terrible defending, no creativity in midfield, no play down the flanks. Spurs have looked terrific in recent games, however, and truly appear poised for better times - maybe even a spot in Europe.

4. West Ham v. Reading: Which London side is highest after Chelsea and Arsenal? Yes, Alan Curbishley's team are 11th and can move up a couple of spots with a victory. Reading have not lost since November 24, with their triumph over Liverpool the obvious highlight from that stretch. Despite their relatively good form, the Hammers have not won at home since September.

5. Everton v. Bolton: The Toffees are off to a fine start to the season. Sunday's loss to Manchester United was their first since the Merseyside derby in October. David Moyes' side may be without Mikel Arteta, Leon Osman, Leighton Baines and Alan Stubbs; It shouldn't matter though, Bolton should not have much of a chance.

Toilet Bowl games
6. Birmingham City v. Middlesbrough: Outside of these two cities, does anybody care about this game? I didn't think so. And the Internet hasn't made it there yet, so I run no risk of offending anybody.

7. Sunderland v. Manchester United: An interesting match only because it features Roy Keane facing up to his former mates. Ryan Giggs will likely get a rest for United. And why not? Sunderland are terrible, having garnered a total of 10 points since mid-August and United should not have any trouble with this one.

8. Wigan Athletic v. Newcastle United: Another game I can't pretend to care about. Newcastle are quietly ninth and have undoubtedly been one of the pleasant surprises on the season. Wigan would be the laughing stock of the league if Derby weren't doing their best MLS impression. Good luck in the Championship next year, boys.

9. Derby  v. Liverpool: Any game with Derby has to be considered a Toilet Bowl. This team are so bad they might actually face a bit of a challenge winning the MLS Cup. Liverpool have not been in great form lately, so this will be a nice way to recover.