Overhead kicks are known in other far off lands as a Chalaca, or in Germany the very phlegm inducing Fallrückzieher – whatever you call them, bicycle kicks are the slam dunk of football – a glorious coup de grace and something guaranteed to get the fans’ juices going.

Beyond the bare hatred for our football in many parts of the States, one of the main reasons TV stations don’t like il joga bonito is the fact that there isn’t any room for excessive adverts. But when it is on the box, watching televised football in the US can be hilarious, not just for the on-field performances but the superfluous histrionics on view during the commercial breaks.

One advert that always makes me chuckle is for a gadget which supposedly trains you to shoot better – it looks like a retractable dog-leash with one end tied to your foot and the other to the ball., and the poster boy for this dodgy contraption is Taylor Twellman – a decent American player, and the best thing since sliced bread by their standards.

'Watching televised football in the US can be hilarious, not just for the on-field performances but the superfluous histrionics on view during the commercial breaks'


His name had stuck in my head for a while – Taylor Timothy Twellman, I couldn’t stop his awkward name which fills the mouth like a swollen Big Mac. So when the MLS play-offs came on I decided to watch iout for him, find out what this Twellman geezer was made of. Credit to the lad, he managed to score in the Eastern Conference Championship game, which proved enough for New England to beat Chicago 1-0. And the best thing about Twellman’s goal? It was an overhead kick.

The MLS suits instantly moved to put this goal into MLS folklore – and the half-time commentary in the final was greeted with “the history of overhead kicks”, ending with Twellman’s glorious effort. They obviously saw in the mystique of an overhead kick, something that could turn stubborn, lock-jawed disinterest in football into jaw-dropping love . . . except for one thing. The Twellman overhead kick wasn’t the real deal, it was more of a placebo to serve up to the US public.

In terms of execution Twellman’s overhead was similar to Tim Cahill’s against Chelsea or Carlton Cole’s against Manchester City, except for one huge fissure of a difference. Twellman’s kick was the footballing equivalent of the emperor’s new clothes; when he contorted into position to swivel upside down, the two defenders benignly stood either side of him, like a couple of withered arms next to Twellmann’s catapulting frame. Put it into the mix against Cahill’s or Cole’s and it pales in comparison, like a degree from Bromley College compared to one from Oxford.

For Cahill’s overhead, the Australian managed to block Belletti and his execution was smooth. The context too, last-minute away to Chelsea, added even more sparkle, and for a sweet second the Aussie was the same way up as his countrymen Down Under with an honest and brilliantly executed bicycle kick.

But it was Cole’s goal at the weekend that highlighted the biggest deficiency in Twellman’s goal. When the West Ham man moved to bicycle kick, Micah Richards valiantly leapt to put his head in the way, and nearly did, Cole’s boot scraping his forehead. For Twellman’s goal the defenders were as alive to the possibility of getting in the way as a couch potato TV fan.

Twellman's overhead kick isn’t a symbol of MLS excellence, it is more a symbol of its mediocrity. And the fact that Taylor Timothy Twellman had everyone a’twitter with his goal, says a lot about MLS.