I realise that the title for worst defender in the Premier League usually resides safe and sound in Titus Bramble’s silverware cabinet. But I think it’s time for him to hand over the mantle to Brazilian Claudio Cacapa, who makes Jean Alain Boumsong look like the late and great Bobby Moore.

Cacapa, 31, arrived from Lyon where he had won a raft of honours, If the St James' Park faithful hoped the centre-back would solve some defensive problems, they were wrong. Every move he makes seems right out of the “how not to defend” manual (probably borrowed from Bramble).

His performance against Portsmouth, where he was subbed with less than 20 minutes on the clock, was surreal. If you can, rent a DVD from the horror section of Blockbuster and marvel at a wretched performance. I was left thinking that maybe the character from Quantum Leap had morphed into the defender's body from another century, oblivious of the rules and conventions of football.

'Maybe the character from Quantum Leap had morphed into Cacapa's body from another century, oblivious of the rules and conventions of football'


And if you are unconvinced by the visual displays, the stats make the case watertight. In the 16 Premier League games Capaca has started, Newcastle have conceded 32 goals. Shay Given is in my view the best goalkeeper in the league but putting Cacapa in front of him is just plain unfair.

Surely Kevin Keegan will see sense and abort the tactic of playing Claudio and gifting the opposition a two-goal start. Am I being too harsh? I think not, if anyone can name a regular starting defender currently plying his trade in the top tier who is worse than the Newcastle No.6, then I will happily pay his wages for each week that he helps his side to a clean sheet.

Now I can’t say fairer than that!