Reading's Steve Sidwell reckoned his Alan Pardew would have wiped the floor with Arsene Wenger if they’d been allowed to go at it. Though as an ex-Arsenal player he may just be dreaming. Sadly we’ll never get to find out (unless there’s an ITV charity boxing special a la Ricky Gervais vs Grant Bovey) but it got us wondering - how would the Premiership’s bosses fare in a punch-up?

Welcome to the Premiership Manager Fight Club ™…

Arsene Wenger (Arsenal): Technically an excellent fighter but sometimes prefers to show off his fancy footwork when he should be landing that killer punch. Special Move: Pretending not to see you. Then bam! Right in the bollocks.

Martin O’Neill (Aston Villa): Consummate tactician, he can adapt his strategy to face any opponent. Wears glasses, though. Special Move: The law. O’Neill could use his legal learnings to have you banged up  post-fight.

Mark Hughes (Blackburn Rovers): Sparky roughed up enough opposing centre-halves in his day, and we can only assume those lethal Roberto Carlos-like thunder thighs still lurk menacingly beneath his suit trousers. Special Move: Bicycle kick. To the bollocks.

Sam Allardyce (Bolton Wanderers): After winning promotion battles and surviving numerous relegation dogfights, chances are that Big Sam would be handy in a real scrap. Needs to lose the poncy earpiece, though. Special Move: A vicious backhander (allegedly).

Iain Dowie (Charlton Athletic): Well, bit irrelevant now… Special Move: Some sort of Medusa-like stare, we imagine.

Jose Mourinho (Chelsea): Will distract you with pre-match complaints about the referee and has the best and most expensive weapons at his disposal. But can such a well-dressed man ever be considered hard?
Special Move: A dirty bugger. So a handful of sand to the eyes from a hidden pocket in his overcoat, then probably some sort of eye-poke.

David Moyes (Everton): On a good year the no-nonsense Scot punches well above his weight, on a bad year well below. Doesn’t fight well in Europe, either. Special Move: One phone call to Big Dunc and you’re dead.

Chris Coleman (Fulham): May not look very tough - those dark Welsh locks dripping with expensive product - but some thought Cookie Coleman would never walk again after breaking his leg in a car crash. Not only did he walk, he made a brief but brilliant return to football, playing a few minutes of Wales’ 1-0 win over Germany. Special Move: “The Cookie Cutter”. Don’t know what it is, but it sounds dangerous.

Rafa Benitez (Liverpool): You never know what Rafa will do next, and neither does he. A huge choice of weapons at his disposal, but some think he doesn’t make the best use of them. Special Move: “The Rotater”, where he spins his arms around wildly and seemingly without reason.

Stuart Pearce (Manchester City): They don’t call him Psycho for nothing, though all this Beanie Horse business suggests he may have mellowed recently. Special Move: He’s called “Psycho”. Does it matter?

Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United): Don’t let the snooty title fool you; he’s still The man is from Govan. Maybe getting on a bit, so the old reflexes aren’t what they were, but one Glasgow Kiss and you’re down.
Special Move: The world renowned hair-dryer treatment, only with an actual hairdryer.

Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough): Doesn’t have a licence to coach, but may have a licence to kill. Secret agents are always the most unlikely looking blokes. Special Move: Deadly from 12 yards (to England’s tournament hopes).

Glenn Roeder (Newcastle United): With all due respect to Roeder, he looks like a geography teacher. In his defence, he looks more than capable of taking anyone down, no matter their size and resources.
Special Move: Tough one as he has no personality whatsoever. Let’s say vehicular homicide.

Harry Redknapp (Portsmouth): His wheeling and dealing down the years suggest that, like MacGyver, he could construct a weapon out of whatever economical objects are at his disposal. Special Move: Could give you a heart attack by signing Marco Boogers all over again. More than likely he packs a deadly Roundhouse Kick.

Steve Coppell (Reading): Has already been knee-capped once, while playing for England against Hungary (”it was like someone put a firework in my knee and it had gone off”). So that makes him tough in my book.
Special Move: Not afraid to pull out the old Zenith Data Systems Cup and bash you over the head with it.

Neil Warnock (Sheffield United): This outspoken individual must have talked his way into a few bar fights down the years, and the fact that he’s still walking suggests he knows how to handle himself. Special Move: Talking you to death, probably about crap linesmen or something.

Martin Jol (Tottenham Hotspur): The Tony Soprano lookalike could have his goons fit you for concrete shoes. Also unafraid to dish out black eyes, as Jermaine Defoe is (metaphorically) learning. Special Move: Remember the Zidane butt? Now imagine that but with this.

Aidy Boothroyd (Watford): Don’t be fooled by the smart suits. With his big jaw and broad shoulders, Boothroyd can definitely take a punch, and can probably dish ’em out too. Special Move: Deadly with a shoestring.

Alan Pardew (West Ham United): Didn’t look scared of Arsene, and Steve Sidwell would fancy Pards’ chances. Backs down and apologises too easily, though. Special Move: Repeated celebration-style fist-pumping to the midriff, followed by a bunch of dodgy Argies to finish you off.

Paul Jewell (Wigan Athletic): Anyone with a Scouse accent that strong must be half-decent in a fight. Knows a loser when he sees one, too, ditching Bradford after keeping them in the Premiership. Special Move: Using wads of Dave Whelan’s cash to slap you about.