The Bongo Battle of Newlands has come and gone - but fickle New Zealanders are regurgitating last week's 19-0 victory in Cape Town for more than just their regular gloating.

It seems they're not content with the great gift South Africa rugby union has given them in terms of the away victory (and probably the Tri-Nations) and have fallen back into the old Kiwi rut of whinging. (Kiwi whinging is particularly loathsome because they ALWAYS have something extra, more and special to say;they are the chatty post-coital blondes of rugby union!)

Rather than puff away at a smoke in smug satisfaction, the Kiwis have decided to lash into the best group of supporters in the world of rugby (the famously jovial Newlands crowd) in a display of how NOT to make friends and influence people.

They accuse the Cape Town fans of being unruly, unmannered and disrespectful - and the whole thing has been sparked by the humble traditional African bongo drum. Every nation has its culture and I think the whole thing at its root is just that - a culture clash.The Kiwis have their traditional rugby union song-and-dance routine, the haka, and they feel they have centre-stage rights even at the home of the bongo (or is that bong?) in Cape Town.

Mind you, the furore between bongo and haka has its positives and has led to a newly-composed routine especially for the New Zealanders' next visit to Africa - aptly named the bongkaka!

Rugby union fans, who have for ages called for the banning of the haka, believe the bongkaka is the answer. Why should the All Blacks have all the fun? They dominate the pre-game show with their advert for murder and mayhem and they don't even pay for the TV airtime they consume.

I say chuck the haka and viva the bongkaka!

And I'm NOT apologising to the New Zealanders for the Bongo Battle of Newlands. Their claims that they thumped the Boks because we 'dissed' the haka clearly shows the intent of the song-and-dance show. They are demanding respect and I'm happy the Boks got the Kiwis' goat.

Peter de Villiers will be my hero if he keeps it up - and better still, BBQ the damn thing!

Meanwhile, an in-depth inquiry has been launched into the 'dissing' of the haka at Newlands after yet another case of Kiwi dissatisfaction (are these guys difficult to please, or what?) arising from bongo-beating Bok fans.

It seems a sponsor handed out 'traditional weapons', aka the African bongo drum, to 12,000 fans at Newlands (yawn, a very old trick) before the Tri-Nations clash between the All Blacks and the world champions and No.1 team (also of the world), namely the Springboks.

An anonymous Sportingo writer has learned that the true underlying cause of dissatisfaction for New Zealanders turns out to be the lyrics attached to the bongo (and not the bongos themselves) and consequently the disrespect heaped on their golden boy, Danny Carter!

The paraphrased words to 'Old Dan Tucker' include the following:

Come to town the other night
Heard a noise and saw a fight
Grumpy Henry was a-runnin'  'round
Shoutin' "Old Dan Carter's come to town."

Get out the way, Old Dan Carter
Butch James is comin' after ye!

Old Dan Carter isn't too sharp,
He can't kick if someone farts!
He's no friend of a bongo,
Bok fans don't see nuttin' wrong tho'.

I imagine that would drum up a fair bit of noise on a bongo. But I'm sure it's marginally less offensive than flour-bombing or the House of Pain's examples of supporter etiquette.

SARFU is working on a neutral 'sterile' venue, like rugby in a lab or on the moon, so that New Zealanders can focus without the distractions of humans. For Pete's sake, you unruly supporters should be ashamed!