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Dirty dancing: Why the All Blacks' Haka takes the flakka

New Zealand's pre-match ritual takes up valuable air time at no cost. If they must make a song and dance over the recreation of a throat-slitting ceremony, let them pay for the the privilege.

by Greg Smith on 12 May 2008

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As a Springbok fan, I've had to endure probably a million Hakas of all shapes and states of inebriation and as with my very first, I'm not impressed.

As a party trick, OK maybe, but on the rugby field, I've had enough. Periodically the Haka comes under attack from those wondering if they could disarm the All Blacks. What would the All Blacks be without the Haka? I wouldn't like to be the first team to find out.

Someone needs to ask the tough questions and when it comes to the Haka, I have more than one and I think, as much as the Kiwis will hate this, they are legitimate.

'As for the message of the Haka - slitting your throat and hiding in a hole - in Johannesburg that's like a stroll in the park'

My first legitimate question about the modern Haka has nothing to do with the violent, throat-slitting insidious nature of the thing, but more seriously about the economics of it. Who is paying for the Haka? Television airwaves cost big money. A global transmission must cost $10m a minute. The All Blacks as far as I can tell are getting away with murder. They get about $50m worth of free advertising each time they take to the field and if I was a sponsor, I'd slap a big Adidas billboard on them just for it.

So, unless they start paying for it, or if the Springboks can be allowed to run around for five minutes with an Acme Soapsuds billboard, I say trash it.

My second legitimate question has to do with its timing. Why should the All Blacks get to hog the prime time at kick-off ? If I want to pay for an advert for my business at the kick-off, I pay top dollar. Imagine, the whistle is about to blow, I pay $200m to the IRB, and the ref endorses my company's washing powder.

So within this equation, I reckon the McDonalds of Rugby Union, the McBlacks should either pay up or move their Haka to an ad break at half-time, or on Wednesdays during Happy Hour.

I also think in the interests of equity and balanced distribution for air time, the Springboks (or any other opponents) should be allow the equivalent time. Maybe Os du Randt could read a poem or Jake White perform the robot dance.

As for the message of the Haka - slitting your throat and hiding in a hole - in Johannesburg that's like a stroll in the park.

I'm not going to bag the Kiwis about it. That would be too easy and at some stage they'll wake up to the message themselves.

Rugby football Union, Scottish Rugby Union

Comments (8)

by Racist on May 13, 2008

It's one thing to live in dreamland with your constant crap about how great you think the Springboks are - it's another thing to be racist to Maori tradition. I look forward to the Canes and Crusaders wiping your Super 14 faces, and the All Blacks to smash your cheating boks.

by Fridge Magnet on May 13, 2008

Greg old son, you are totally clueless in what you write and should save your energy by not writing such boring, un-informed tripe again. The Haka is to be respected and encouraged and not degraded as you try in this heap of bovine excrement disguised as an article... and NO, I'm not a Kiwi or Aussie, from Kiwi or Aussie stock or a fan of the All Blacks. Just somebody who wants the traditions of the game to run and run. Stand-by to have your collective clocks wiped when the British & Irish Lions hit town next year.

on May 15, 2008 on May 15, 2008

I am really regretting reading this whole thing. Obviously you have too much time on your hands in Disneyland Greg. Your on another Planet, possible a Black and White one!

by David de Mattos on May 15, 2008

What is it with the constant cry of racism and dirty tricks. On and on and on.To the winner go the spoils. We won, you did'nt. Stop moaning and rebuild. South Africans are good at rebuilding. And lifting the Webb Ellis Cup twice, well I think thats proof enough. The end.

by Mr T on May 16, 2008

Id hate to be a african

by JACQUES MCCARTHY on May 21, 2008

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE HAKA LOOK ELS WEAR

by alan b'stard M P on July 27, 2008

Maori tradition ?, Are you saying Maoris are cutthroats ? I will disrespect that Haka throat slitting crap. Why would anyone respect that ? Anyway, the throat slitting is a relatively new thing, and to see dopey white fellas, especially that clown Ali Williams perform it, is absolutely comical The Haka is the tradition of a violent race who, only 150 years ago were cannibals. They should stop that nonsense, and Greg is right Stop hiding behind racism. Maybe if you want to make it a cultural issue, perhaps you would perform the Haka, at a remote farm in S A, with a throat slit' and the farmer can use a white cultural tradition of grabbing a gun and blowing their heads off as he's in fear of his life. I too, am sick of the (now at least half white ) Haka, and of the noble barbarian crap

by alan b'stard M P on July 27, 2008

For your info, the Aussies were performing a similar thing to the Haka before the All Blacks started doing it. Well before. The Aussies stopped it as it is ridiculous and pointless, especially if they are white. Maoris, like white fellas, don't need the Haka, which as Greg points out, is an expensive waste of time BTW The reason the Wallabies still have all their warm up kit on while the Blacks are doing the Haka, is because after the Haka, they then remove the outer clothing, by which time the Haka has become a non event and has no effect, and the Blacks are standing there looking dopey. LOL! I remember the day the Wallabies turned their backs on the Haka! LOL!