Serious rugby fans without a sense of humour should look away now.

OK, so now the All Blacks supporters (to whom, to misquote Bill Shankly, rugby isn’t a matter of life or death: it’s much more important than that)  have gone, we can get down to the nitty gritty. Who’s going to be in my Best Ever Rugby XV?

I have certain criteria that will become clear as I proceed. They may not be your criteria but they are mine, so please try to restrain your cries of, ‘What the ****?!’

'While Keith Wood has a beautiful Irish accent that makes him very appealing, I suspect Brian Moore could be far more verbally vicious in the scrum – with a face to match'


A Wales supporter to the heart, it’s tempting to go back to the heyday of Welsh rugby and pick, en masse, the Grand Slam team of 1976. But I don’t want to be accused of bias so I’m not going to do that. Each player who makes it to my final XV will have undergone due process and will be there for valid reason.

Immortalised in song by Max Boyce, the Pontypool front row of Charlie Faulkner, Bobby Windsor and Graham Price must be in contention for the first places. Working in the steel industry, they had a level of fitness that wouldn’t be out of place in today’s game. They packed down for Wales in 19 internationals, and the results, including two Grand Slams, speak for themselves.

But what of other front-row players? The position of hooker is the most closely contended in my mind. Any hooker who attempts a drop goal, as Keith Wood did, must be worth a starting place; then again, anyone, like England's Brian Moore, who outfaces the New Zealand haka would be an asset.

While Wood has a beautiful Irish accent that makes him very appealing, I suspect Moore could be far more verbally vicious in the scrum – with a face to match. Then there’s the man who is the obvious choice for many people, All Black Sean Fitzpatrick. But if I brought in one of these three, would it disturb the balance of the Pontypool front row? It’ll be a close call.

Hard as it is for a Welsh woman to say this, England's World Cup winning captain Martin Johnson is first choice for the second row. Always leading from the front and not expecting anyone to do something he wouldn’t, he is possibly the ugliest and scariest forward ever seen on a rugby field.

Alongside Johnson, I’m choosing from Willie-John McBride, Bill Beaumont, John Eales and Jim Clifford. You’ll be well aware of the playing credentials of the first three but Clifford might be unfamiliar to you. Part of the Swansea All Whites team that beat Australia in 1966, he played for the Barbarians but never received a call-up for Wales. He’s also my cousin, and that seems good enough reason for me to pick him.

There’s jostling for the back-row places. No.8 is simple - it’s got to be cuddly Scott Quinnell, who calls the referee sir, and swears it wasn’t him that did it.

And then there’s cheat extraordinaire, Neil Back. Much as I dislike the ex-England flanker, it’s tempting to include him for that very talent. There’s Richard Hill, a solid reliable workhorse, Francois Pienaar, who’d bring a touch of Southern Hemisphere skill to the forwards, and Serge Betsen, who’d bring a sexy French accent.

Taking his place between the forwards and the backs, the scrum-half’s role is partly one of link-man. Needing to communicate with all, he has to have a good mouth on him. Matt Dawson springs to mind. But ‘The Mouth’ isn’t the only contender.

The great and glorious Gareth Edwards, the shiny-pated George Gregan, Austin Healey - the only rugby player I know named after a car - and Dwayne Peel, who has the skill of Dawson but lacks the mouth, are all vying for this position. The fact that Gregan has set up a charity foundation to help sick children can only work in his favour.

The perfect 10? Johnny Wilkinson, the Gary Lineker of rugby, every mother’s dream of a son-in-law, and whose drop kick won the 2003 World Cup for England, has to be odds-on favourite. But he is prone to injury – usually because of his whole-heart-and-body tackling – so is he a risk worth taking?

It’s not as if we’re short of possibles. I could reunite Phil Bennett with his old mate, Gareth Edwards, or call on the rather lovely Dan Carter, who is rapidly earning himself a reputation; one thing’s for sure, it won’t be cocky little Ronan O’Gara.

For the centres, we have even more choice. We’ll rule out Brian O’Driscoll for lack of humour, and Will Carling, just because. Clive Woodward? I don’t think so. Phillipe Sella would add a bit more sex appeal, as would Will Greenwood with his school-boyish charm. And who can forget Scott Gibbs? Him of the immense tackles and England-defeating try. Then there’s the lovely and highly-skilled Jeremy Guscott, who could do with a run-out to fight the flab that is creeping up on him.

Strangely, though the options are many, it was an easy task to pick the wings. On my not-selected list I have:
  • Jason Robinson – fleet of foot and a good Christian man;
  • Gerald Davies – dashing of moustache and on foot;
  • JJ Williams – once a great player but the meanest-spirited commentator to grace the airwaves;
  • Joe Rokocoko – not only a fantastic player but a wonderful name that flows … and flows.
Leaving Doug Howlett and Jonah Lomu. Not only is Howlett drop-dead gorgeous, he’s currently at the top of his form and is ranked No.1 winger in the world. And he, too, has set up a foundation to help disadvantaged children.

I could say that my reasons for choosing Lomu are the same as those of the Visa Rugby legends who picked him as the player who has had the greatest impact on the Rugby World Cup since its inception 20 years ago. I could say that, or I could just say that to see him loping down a field flicking off the opposition as if they were toddlers rather than full-grown – and large - men is a sight everyone should witness at least one in their lifetime.

Just fullback to go and there’s no contest there. So, after careful consideration, my Best Ever XV are:

1. Charlie Faulkner (Wales), 2. Bobby Windsor (Wales), 3. Graham Price (Wales), 4. Martin Johnson (England), 5. Jim Clifford (Swansea and Barbarians), 6. Francois Pienaar (South Africa), 7. Serge Betsen (France), 8. Scott Quinnell (Wales); 9. Gareth Edwards (Wales), 10. Dan Carter (New Zealand), 11. Jonah Lomu (New Zealand), 12. Jeremy Guscott  (England), 13. Scott Gibbs (Wales), 14. Doug Howlett (New Zealand), 15. JPR Williams (Wales). And on the bench, David Campese (Australia) – just so I can leave him sitting there.

I’m sure you’ll agree: there isn’t a Welsh bias in this at all.

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