1. Hockey: A sport for schoolgirls and not worth considering. There are men’s hockey teams but they are populated by unsuccessful footballers and deviants. The attempt to save this sport by putting it on ice and introducing the element of aggression has not noticeably improved it.
2. Tennis aka badminton  (tennis with feathers), squash (tennis in a small room) and pelota (tennis with basques). Tennis is very long and dull. Even with the introduction of women in skirts and tie-breaks, the game is still dreadful. The early 1970s innovation of swearing at the umpire and linesmen and disputing every decision did improve the entertainment value but this has sadly almost completely died out from the game.
3. Baseball (outside the USA aka rounders): The baseball version of the game is only played in the USA and its virtual colonies (Canada, Japan etc.). Use of the term World Series gives much amusement to non-playing countries. This is the world’s second most mind-numbing sport although its doyens prefer the term “subtle”. Babe Ruth, one of the most well-known baseball players of all time, took his name from a chocolate bar.
4. Sumo wrestling has the benefit of being a pure sport. Anyone over 30 stone with a belt, a nappy and a pocket full of salt can have a go. However, the sport is restricted to Japan. Sumo wrestlers die young due to the pressure on their hearts caused by their body mass and lifestyles. This puts off some applicants. Also pseudonyms such as Sea Slug and Dump Truck do nothing to augment the sport’s status.
5. Athletics: Again a sport for the less wealthy. Apart from trainers, shorts and a vest, very little extra equipment is needed, and the trainers are sometimes optional. The real expense is buying increasingly popular performance-enhancing drugs. If you get into your national team, these might be given to you, but until you make your breakthrough you are at a disadvantage.
6. Cricket (USA = ?). This game can go on for up to five days and still end without a result. No one in the world understands the rules. One of the few world-class games which stops for lunch and tea and where on hot days someone brings the players slices of orange. Cricket, the most gentlemanly of sports, has begun to decline due to that most insidious of sporting viruses, sledging. This comprises of saying nasty things to your opponents.
7. American Football (USA = football). Players wear full body armour and helmets and have silly names like The Refrigerator (which I presume is not his real name). The play stops every three or four seconds. They have tried to liven it up by introducing cheerleaders with pompoms. The whole event would be more exciting if the cheerleaders were the main event and the football just filled in between routines.
8. Rugby (USA = ?). Similar to American Football but the players only wear teeth and gonad protection. All rugby players who are not sissy have broken noses, which means they do not have glamorous wives and girlfriends like footballers. They are also seldom required for lucrative advertising work and only get second-rate sponsorship deals. Rugby players are therefore surly and bitter and drink too much.
9. Table Tennis (aka ping pong). This game is tennis for small people and is mostly played by the Chinese, though not exclusively. Ping-pong sets for use on your dining room table are very cheap but not very convenient as you need to stop at dinner time. Table-tennis balls do not last long as people always tread on them.
10. Football: simply brilliant.

3. SO WHAT MAKES FOOTBALL SPECIAL?

Football is the world’s oldest organised sport. It was first played in ancient Egypt thousands of years before the birth of Thierry Henry. It was originally played with a pig's bladder covered in leather for strength. This rule was changed in 1976 and the Nike ball was introduced. Nike is Egyptian for “sphere that swerves uncontrollably”.

Footballers now are not slaves any more and earn a lot of money. They are educated by their clubs in deportment, fashion and self-expression. They are now full-time footballers and no longer spend their match day revising for a City & Guilds plumbing exam to be taken on the Monday after the game

Football is fast, exciting and only lasts 90 minutes. At half time they give you a 15-minute break when you can buy gourmet meat pies and wonderful warm beer. Football is a truly fantastic experience.

Football is played worldwide and at all levels from a kickaround in the street to the World Cup finals. It is cheap to play as you only really need normal clothes (though if you ruin them your mum might tell you off). Footballs are very cheap and if the cost is shared between a whole team, you will still have enough change for fags.

If you are good enough, you could be spotted by a club scout, put through an academy and instructed in how to be an icon. You will have loads of money, a sexy girlfriend and a vulgar car. You will train for ten hours a week and if you look nice make lots of money posing for photographs in advertising campaigns. You will not need to do anything clever, indeed very few footballers can tie a knot in their tie, but this is not a problem as you can hire someone to do it for you.

On the pitch you must obey certain strict rules, such as no racist remarks, no spitting, no exuberant celebrations and not showing your behind to the crowds. These rules of conduct are relaxed in your free time when racist remarks, a**e baring, spitting and fighting, while not encouraged, are accepted.

Football unites the world. Brazil, for example, used only to be known for nuts and rather attractive transsexuals. Now Brazil is an admired force in football.

CONCLUSION

Unique history, fantastic game and dedicated professionals make football the best sport in the world. I predict that in a few years women’s beach volleyball may become a serious contender.