If you ever have the pleasure of visiting the Tate Modern art gallery (I own up, I've been there with the missus when football was live on TV but please don't tell anyone), you will come across a modern art exhibit by Damien Hirst called 'Pharmacy'. Now, without trying to bore you with my in-depth knowledge of modern art (zero), I can tell you that this piece of s**t, sorry art, is nothing more than a replica of, would you believe, a chemist's shop. Now, if I want to see a chemist shop, I can go down the Kingsland High Road near where I live and visit dear old Mr  Battchariya's chemist shop. Why so I need to go to the Tate Modern to see the same bl**dy thing? Why? Because it's Modern Art, that's why.

Which brings me nicely to Formula One.

Will somebody please tell me why F1 is classed as a sport? It is the most absurd premise in modern times, that a few cars hurtling round a track or the streets of Monaco represents sporting prowess. All you require for mass hysteria is to put a few overpaid upper-class Hooray Henrys from different posh areas of major metropoli in a helmet and give them a big engine, tyres from road diggers and a space suit bedecked in brand names.

''Ah, but look at the driving skill it takes''. Really? I can point you to around 1,000 drivers (most without licenses) who live in my neck of the woods in London who can sway in and out of streets in a manner that would put an Olympic slalom skier to shame, and at the same speeds.

''But look how much work has gone into developing the car''. For God's sake, it's a car, not a spaceship. What does it take to 'develop' a car? Yes, and one that goes fast.

''But look how quickly the team can change a tyre at the pit stop.'' My dear friend, these guys are in the wrong game. They should be holding up Brinks vans, whipping off the wheels and then driving off with the bounty in the F1 car.

''But look at the heroes, Michael Schumacher, Fernando Alonso, Jenson Button.'' Heroes? Because they can press their feet on a pedal or two? Do me a favour. The whole thing is one big con. Men and cars, that's what all this is about, not forgetting women who drool over the men (and of course the men who drool over the men).

By all means enjoy this enhanced merry-go-round, but please do not call it sport. Call it 'Modern Living', or 'Lifestyle', or 'Va Va Voom' but please, do not insult we sports fanatics by calling it a sport because it isn't. It's simply a load of blokes driving along a road to nowhere.

Of course, the main problem with motor sport is the fact that there are so few possibilities of anything out of the ordinary happening once the engines are revved up. Yes, I know there is a bit of overtaking and undertaking (the latter when one of the poor chaps crashes), and that there are hundreds of hangers-on with clipboards and stopwatches telling the drivers what to do, but ultimately there is but one instruction and goal, to get round the track a million times as fast as possible. It's not exactly difficult to fathom out what is going to happen.

Now, compare this to the Dakar Rally. Here is a real sport with real heroes battling against each other and the elements in a true sporting test of endurance. This is a sport where psychology, skill and bravery meet luck and aggression, a recipe for a great event.

But F1 holds all the cards. By snazzy marketing and brainwashing, it has managed to infiltrate the hearts and minds of the world, and divest them of a lot of money in pretending this is a real sport.  And what makes it worse; every time a Grand Prix is on, the rest of the sporting schedule has to take a back seat. So no football or rugby until the spoilt brats have finished dousing themselves in champagne. The whole thing is a disgrace. All I have to say is this: F1, F off.

Is Formula One a super sport a big bore? Let Sportingo have your views.